i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
