just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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