I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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