I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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