I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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