Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
