Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
