so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
