dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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