I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
