Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
