How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
