sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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