in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
