first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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