My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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