All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
