I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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