Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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