i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I supernannyed him into submission
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
