I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
