Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
