My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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