i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
