Welp...herpes.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Your cock deserves a montage
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
