i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
