I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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