her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i dont even know how to be here
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize