We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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