I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
