OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
