My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
