$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
