We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
