JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
