proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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