I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
