nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
