I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
