Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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