The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
