I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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