Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
