he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
