he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
