I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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