His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We smell like vodka and hangover
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
