You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
