Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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