Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
