i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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