I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
