My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize