The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
