peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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