i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
