I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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